What would you guess is the number one cause of divorce or break-ups in relationships? Affairs? Money matters? Bored? Let me give you a hint:
Albert Einstein said the following: “Men marry women with the hope they will never change Women marry men with the hope they will change Invariably they are both disappointed …”
If you read this quote carefully you will see Ticking bomb is quivering under 85% of relationships today. Let’s break it down.
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change.” Post why? Because when you give up a precious and hard-won freedom for his wife, and ask her to share his world with him, he has decided that this is the person who fills his life. She brings him something he can not get on their own. He pictures the life cycle of love, support and joy with this woman. He’s probably physically attracted to her. His hope is that all these elements never change.
“Women marry men with the hope they will change.” Let’s face it, ladies. We are sooo guilty of these qualities. We see the possibilities of man. He has a beer gut? We will encourage him to hit the gym when the ring is on our fingers. He is not making six figures? With our encouragement and support he soon will be. His mother is too involved in their lives? When the honeymoon is over … so visits his mother. We do not like his haircut, choice of golf shirts, time with the boys, TV shows … the list goes on and on. With a little help, spit and polish, this guy could be quite a catch. Do you see the difference between the two quotes?
I have worked with women for over 30 years. I have interviewed about 2,000 men. I know that the previous statements are true. And if you can not distinguish where the ticking noise is coming from, let me clue you in.
When a person is constantly put under the microscope in an effort to see all his faults, defects and deficiencies, the person begins to decrease. His life is now one of constant criticism, evidence, silent treatments, storm and picking apart their dreams. I’ve seen it so many times. It starts like what the woman perceives as harmless proposals for his hygiene, fashion sense, choice of friends, etc. her intentions are honorable, right? I mean, she’s just trying to help the poor guy have a better life, right?
If you look deeper on the real motivation behind women trying to “better” partners you will see a real stimulus. It is her own feelings of low self-esteem. She needs the world, especially her family and friends, to see her with someone amazing. The man she married is a reflection of what she was able to capture, and in a sense is a measure of how they “measure up.” annoying characteristics may be mirroring itself in itself it is not satisfied with. At a subconscious level she feels a “correct” him, she has directed her own affairs.
The reason belittle, undermine, offensive and undervaluing your spouse is so dangerous and harmful is that it will eventually erode feelings for you, and for himself. Affairs are usually started because of a person’s need to feel loved and admired, at any cost. We are shutting down the very person we chose to love and be with. Why is it so important for us now pick them apart? Seriously, who gave you the right or the power to self-esteem of another person and stamp it into the ground?
You can defuse the bomb with one simple trick: Start looking at him with eyes of love and appreciation. He is human. He is going to screw up on occasion, just as you do. The next time you feel tempted to point to something he did wrong, think about the last mistake. Did you spill the milk? Violations dish? Running late for work? Lose car keys? We become so accustomed to ignore our own faults as we go on with a magnifying glass and a sniper gun waiting for a loved one to mess us up. Nothing … and I mean nothing will kill the relationship faster.
Please … let him breathe. Let him be human. When you start to appreciate him for all he does for you, how hard you try to do the best he can with what he got, you will begin to lose the habit blame and belittle. You have to see this guy blossom before your eyes as he feels loved and admired. The men I surveyed considered to be admired and appreciated that the top two things they craved from their wives. Take it from them, and you will see someone who has become a shell of his former self.
If you continue to feel the need to be in control and hurt others, you have to deal with feelings of low self-esteem. You can only give away what you are inside. If you can not give love, appreciation and support, it is a hole inside you that needs to be addressed.
Dr. Wayne Dyer has a favorite quote my “. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” Believe me – when you change the way you see it, and see it only through the eyes of love and appreciation, it will change. But not for self-serving reasons we listed earlier. Rather, he will become the man he always wanted to be and you will have a relationship adventures were based.